Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
