I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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