he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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