thus making me awesome and them whores
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?