This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?