Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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