I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
