oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
