This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
