Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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