If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
is wine microwaveable?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
