Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
