and you said cock pushups were impossible
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
