It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
oh god was she eating orange peels again
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
