i love accidental penises.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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