dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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