He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
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Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
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Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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