I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
