I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Let's get the cat blown out
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
