I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
