my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
