Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
