i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
