i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
