I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
