Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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