God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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