woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
