Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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