You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
