So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
