Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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