Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
