It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
