WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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