I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
