Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
