omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize