I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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