My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
