u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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