yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
