So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
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