I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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