just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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