your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
