I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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