either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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