is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
