....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
