I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
