btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We're too hungover to prance.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
