I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
