I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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