she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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