separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
