You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
