there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
