all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
